Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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