Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
