you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
