So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
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I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
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Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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