Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
