i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
