I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
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And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
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He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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