Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
