This is not my ceiling
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
