The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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