last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
