I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's never too late to be topless.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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