ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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