Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
