I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
