Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
