I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
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My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
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What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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