i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
