It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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