i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
where are my eyebrows?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
