does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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