You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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