Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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