just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
