In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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