he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
