Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
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She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
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I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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