I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
