im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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