did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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