Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
