mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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