I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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