i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
