Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
