how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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