I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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