Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
