Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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