I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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