I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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