You're completely useless in the revolution.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
