i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
