I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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