I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I wish there were birth control emojis
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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