It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
