my phone needs a breathalizer
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
