ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
