Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
how drunk are you?
Several
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
