I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We got so high we made milksteak
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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