Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
