I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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