I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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