looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
