Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
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After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
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My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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