I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
