How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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