he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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